So my anxiety attacks have come back.

I used to have them fairly frequently. About anything I didn't want to face. Or phones. Or doctors. You know, things. So I spent years, and I do mean years (lots of them, even!) coming to terms with stuff and giving the anxiety attacks the boot.

And so the past few years have been great! I even managed to leave the country and wander around a little city in England and befriend some homeless folks there, as well as awesome role playing folk, and it was great. I was so proud of myself.

And last night, as I was trying to sleep, my brain wouldn't turn off. I kept thinking about how awful next year is going to be academically. I was thinking about this comprehensive exam I'm taking this week, about how I'm not sure I'll be able to prepare for my weekend class while I'm taking the comp, about how I'm pretty sure the paper I wrote for my Origins class was awful. . . and suddenly I realized my heart was racing.

I was lying in bed, exhausted, and suddenly I was wide awake. Near-panicked. Terrified. On the verge of tears, shaking, and worst of all. . . alone.

I got online, and my boyfriend was still awake, and I talked to him for a bit, but I could still feel the oppressive weight of everything bearing down upon me, and it was just awful. I cried a bit. Then I played Minecraft until I felt tired again, which was three in the morning. (Did I mention I had part one of my exam at ten in the morning?)

Woke up still feeling awful, downed some chamomile, found company, got through part one of the exam and went on with my day. Started feeling better, went to improv, had some great fun, and then the humour turned decidedly sexual and that kinda ruined everything for me. I'm usually okay putting up with it, since I know it's just me who dislikes it and the point is to let people have fun, but I've been on edge and moody and feeling alone and argh.

The being alone is the hard part. I feel like I need advice. Good advice, not the "Oh, I'm sure you can do it" kind (which isn't really advice but everyone seems to think it is). I'm scared and I don't want to be scared alone. I want someone to talk me through everything that's making me anxious and help me find the best solution.

Why won't anyone fucking do that? Just because I'm bad at getting right to the heart of the matter doesn't mean I don't need help. And I'd like it from someone I trust, because I've had enough "professionals" laugh at me or tell me to stop being a baby and dammit, I don't want to go through this again.

I've been feeling more and more anxious since I left improv, and I want it to go away so I can sleep and do well in the next part of the comp and be able to read for this weekend. I want to stop feeling a lump in my throat, a herd of gazelle stampeding through my stomach, and a cyclone of what-ifs running a rampage through my head. I'm on the verge of another anxiety attack now, and I don't know what to do about it other than confront what's making me anxious and fix it.

But the future can't be fixed. Only planned for. And dammit, I don't know what I should do and have a history of making awful decisions under my belt. I just need some advice. Or something. Anything. Please?