Not a Happy Update

I'm far from okay right now.

I've been descending into a state of constant near-panic and depression over the past weeks. I thought I was pulling out of it, but apparently I was wrong. I have not gone outside in three days. I have had no meaningful human interaction in two. My insomnia is getting bad because I'm too scared to sleep.

My person is dealing with some really major depression right now. I feel like a terrible girlfriend because I'm not there to hold him and tell him he'll be alright. I feel even more terrible because my own current crisis is keeping me from being strong for him in the ways I know I could, and ought to be.

It breaks my heart to know he's going through this and I can't be there by his side. It breaks my heart to know that I'm leaving this city and four days later he'll be arriving here. It crushes me to know that neither of us can afford travel to see each other, and we have no idea when we'll get to see each other again.

He needs someone to hold him while he cries. I need someone to hold me while I panic. He needs someone to hold his hand and give him strength. I need someone to hold my hand and give me courage. We could do that for each other, even while we're falling apart, if only we could actually be together.

I'm worried for him and terrified for me, and I can't harking do anything.

I am very much not okay right now.